OK, SO I'M FAT !!

My hatred of the hot weather is well documented, but this sudden change of temperature has brought a new form of frustration – pop fastenings. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make trousers for fat people with pop fastenings?

Oh I’m sure there’s some poxy designer sat somewhere thinking it’s *very* funny to imagine lardy buggers like me - reaching to the bottom draw for last year’s clothes, only to have them EXPLODE back open two seconds after fastening, propelled by a protrusion of white, wobbling flesh.

Yes OK, so some of us just can’t say no to the last double Jack Daniels and then eat warmed up Chinese takeaway at 2am. Are you so perfect? Hmm? Mr Trouser Maker?

Kate has suggested I should embrace this foible and use it to my own advantage, marketing fashion garments with an element of potential surprise – you could burst back free at any moment and possibly even take out an eye. She cites Taylor Mac’s decomposing drag as an influence.

Kate, however, is a thin person and therefore not worthy of an opinion, and my femme look is less Taylor and more Dina Martina. Or Divine. And I never saw Divine sporting press studs.

Hark in the distance, at the checkout of Evans Outsize, the elasticated waistband is calling.