Scandalous

A few weeks ago I got a message from Justin Bond, congratulating me on inspiring Judi Dench’s role in Notes on a Scandal. At first I thought it was just because she plays a stalker, but having seen the film I realise his observation was more astute. She’s not just an obsessive, she’s also a misanthropic, bitter old bat. It was like watching a projection of myself in 20 years time, the resemblance was uncanny!

Judi’s character is Barbara, a school teacher who hates her pupils - “the future generation of shop assistants and plumbers” – hates her fellow teachers and isn’t all that keen on anyone else, come to think of it. When the waspish Sheba (Cate Blanchett) appears, Barbara initially dismisses her as fey, but when they speak for the first time she comes over all soppy and her thoughts turn to sins of the flesh.

Sadly Sheba starts banging a 15-year-old pupil and Barbara’s not a woman to be scorned. She decides she’s going to tell the headmaster but then stumbles on a more cunning plan. Why, she can use her knowledge of the affair to manipulate Sheba and trap her into becoming a friend in exchange for keeping her mouth shut. I like her style. Soon she has Sheba at her beck and call and is regularly invited to tea. Perfect! If it wasn’t for the pesky husband and children getting in the way…

Sheba makes the deadly mistake of being unsupportive when Barbara loses her cat, and for this she will have to pay. News of her tawdry affair is soon exposed and all manner of unpleasantness ensues. Sheba’s family is torn apart, her career is ruined and who does she have to turn to? Dear old Babs! In a Kathy Bates-type situation, Sheba is soon holed up in Barbara’s spare room, away from the glare of the press but right under the lecherous eye of the lip-licking, pant wetting nut-job who attends to her every need.

As you can imagine, it was never going to last. Barbara’s mistake was elementary – she kept evidence. Oh silly girl. Her regularly updated diary gave a day-by-day account of her stalking progress, not only with Sheba but also with her previous desire – a woman who moved towns to get away from her, especially after Barbara sent her fiancé a wreath.

So Sheba discovers the hideous truth of her deception and amidst much wailing and mascara running, she makes her bid for escape. Poor Barbara is once again alone, but thankfully not for long. She’s soon back to her bad old ways, salivating over a honey she bumps into on a park bench. You can’t keep a good stalker down.