Total Eclipse of the Heart

Is it really a week since the beautiful trannies were here? It all passed by in a flash. Tim Whitehead asked me on Sunday, “Was this the best weekend of your life?” Well, given that it allowed me four non-stop days of top-class stalking, I suppose it did come pretty close.

Justin Bond and Our Lady J’s appearance at Dave’s Drop-in Centre on the Thursday was riotous. I can’t really begin to describe the duet that Justin and David performed – it was a bit like Kiki DuRane running a talent night for decrepit showgirls at the institutional. Luckily I don’t have to scrabble about for words as Justin’s friend Earl Dax was there to capture the moment and has generously uploaded it to YouTube.

You might think that that couldn’t be topped, but Justin went on to sing his Christmas song; Our Lady J performed a beautiful version of Africa and it ended with a triumphant rendition of We Shall Overcome. It received the loudest applause I have ever heard at the Tavern – truly deafening.

Earlier in the evening we’d had Ashley Ryder on making dildos out of coat hangers and sticking one up his bum. He did a convincing job of pretending to be David’s thirteen year old nephew being led astray by his wayward uncle - being spanked, rimmed and generally ‘abused’. Needless to say, with all that to cope with, by the end of the night I was KNACKERED.

Thankfully recovered for the next night and Justin’s first show, which was in the more sedate surroundings of The Purcell Room on the Southbank. He opened the show with New Depression, a track from his new Pink Slip EP, and was wearing a fabulous fishnet creation covered with bits of laminated tranny porn. A piece fell off near the beginning of the show and I thought, “I’m having that.” Kept my beady eye on it throughout the performance but thankfully he handed it to me at the end of the show so I didn’t have to degrade myself by scrambling onto the stage for it.

Highlights of the show? Ooh, too numerous to mention – I love the (dress-related) story of self-discovery when he found a pile of tranny porn in a tree house as a child. While his family were trying to tell him he was a boy and should behave in a certain manner, he simply sat back and waited for his breasts to grow so he could be like one of the beautiful creatures in the magazines.

I also loved his Bambi Lake cover plus original tracks May Queen and Michael in Blue. Oh who am I kidding, my absolute highlight was when he named-checked me as he was wearing the eye shadow I gave him as a birthday present the previous evening. It was a fabulous peacock blue and shimmering silver combination that I knew would go well with his eyes. It made the horrific trip to the MAC store to buy it worthwhile and, as he commented, “Is probably the reason I look so goddamn beautiful tonight.”

After the show we stood around to buy personally autographed CDs, then off for a quick schmooze in the green room. Now, I have this fleeting recollection of Ian McKellan being in attendance, but nobody else remembers it so it’s quite possible I dreamed it. What’s for sure is that lovely Antony Cotton was there along with ‘er from out the cafe on Corrie – you know, whats’ername ... Becky. Ha ha – I’ve seen all the Corrie greats of Justin’s shows – Sean, Shelley, Fiz ... and now Becky. I’m hoping we’ll get Hayley next time, that would really be the icing on the cake.

Back on Saturday for the second night and Justin seemed a little under the weather but bravely held it all together. This time my highlight was the story of his slightly disturbed friend who took to washing carrier bags as a result of childhood abuse. Also his Anita Pallenberg story about Our Lady J asking Justin to tuck in her back fat before a function - to push her back fat round to the front and make her breast look bigger. Anita Pallenberg looked on in utter dismay and clearly thought they were bonkers.

Green room less star-studded the second night but still a great party. I had a slightly maudlin sense that it was all ending, but there was still Our Lady J’s solo night at Bistrotheque on Sunday...

Venue was packed to the rafters with London glitterati – Bourgeois and Maurice, David Hoyle, Ophelia Bitz, Tricity Vogue ... ME!! Not to mention Pete Burns.

Our Lady J did an experimental set trying out some effects she’s been producing on a computer. They sounded great but I’m not sure they were necessary, she has such an amazing voice anyway. We sniggered along to Pink Prada Purse, were taught lines to singalong to Train to Kill, and although the fabulous Picture of a Man was excluded, I had to hold back a tear when she did Nine Inch Nails’ Hurt as an encore.

The perfect point of the evening was when I looked around to see Justin over to my left, Pete Burns over to my right, and Our Lady J right in front of me. I felt blessed to be in the company of such a Holy Trilogy (yes, trilogy, trinity is too patriarchal) so while you have probably seen these on Facebook, I present the two further pictorial memories of the evening. Thanks to Kate Pelling for photographic honours.