Planet Earth

Environmentalists – piss off. For years you have been moaning at me for taking a bath, then you started banging on about carrier bags, and now you’ve decided it’s ILLEGAL to buy a 100 watt light bulb. What the fuck is your problem? Some of us LIKE TO BE ABLE TO SEE PROPERLY and sitting in dim lights makes our eyes hurt and gives us headaches you silly twats.

Why the hell have light bulbs become such a problem? You want to save some energy? Fine – TURN THE FUCKING HEATING DOWN. Where? EVERYWHERE – on public transport, in office blocks, in the shops... I’m sick and tired of suffocating in over heated stores only to get to the cash desk to be told, “No madam, you cannot buy a 100 watt bulb because it’s bad for the environment ... and do you really NEED a carrier bag for that large print book you’re buying because it’s the only one you can read in the dark?” HELLLOOOO!!

Personally I think I should be allowed the bulbs as I am far too tight to have the heating on full time. My cat will testify to this and has been setting about making herself fat to compensate. Don’t you admire that cats can do that – make themselves fat in the winter to stay warm and then thin in the summer to be cooler? That’s a real talent - and one in the eye for the body fascists when you think about it.

Do you remember the olden days? People used to wear woolly jumpers if it was a bit nippy. It worked a treat and I don’t believe we’re suffering from a sheep shortage. Thousands of small children are being denied exploitative labour thanks to your insistence in running round in a t-shirt in all weather. Think of that next time you flick on the central heating.

I’m not taking it lying down and have bulk ordered a supply of light bulbs from eBay, so you haven’t got the better of me yet. I’m going to put one in every room, even that little storage cupboard in the hallway. My flat will be lit up like Blackpool Illuminations and there won’t be a damn thing you can do about it. So go and stick that in your recycling bin, I’m off to let a tap run.