Career Opportunities

My New Year’s resolution this year is simple – to get out of my bastard job. Ten days into January and my progress so far has been thus: I have assembled a sheet of paper and divided it into two columns. One lists the things I DO want out of a job, the other lists the things that I DON'T. Beyond that I've just been staring blankly into space. Though I did buy a copy of the Guardian and looked forlornly through the ads.

The problem is, they all list jobs that are based in an office, and offices damage my mental health. I never hated my job this much when I worked in shops or distribution centres, but there’s a limit to what you can achieve on 12K a year.

I just can’t bear the thought of swapping one wretched environment just to move into another enclosure of sniffers, lip smackers, psychotics and bores. It makes me want to let blood leak from my eyes and hold my arms out in a helpless, imploring gesture.

A lot of it is the close proximity of people, I need space like I need to be able to breathe. The situation is summed up exactly in a book called The Loner’s Manifesto, which has this to say about work:

“How much time spent with others is too much? Side by side, within their sight, in earshot - forty minutes? Two hours, tops. Yet a standard workshift lasts eight. Putting loners in busy workplaces all day is like making albinos pick cotton without sunscreen...”

When I read those chilling words I know for sure that the 9 to 5 is not for me, but at my current rate of action I’ll be here till I’m 72. The council should be sued for personality theft, there are people who have been here for decades – even their entire working lives! They turn up week after week to do the same old tasks and spout out the same old bullshit, becoming steadily more bitter and mindless. Then they sucker you in, siphon your energy and wrap invisible tendrils around your throat that make it seem impossible to leave.

It must be true. While I have plenty of enthusiasm for my social life and can happily pick up extra bits of DJ work, when it comes to the big career move my brain turns to neutral. I thought I’d attempt a kick-start by researching people with get-up-and-go, people who have made inspiring, life-changing decisions. Of course, the fact that they have get-up-and-go makes me instantly loathe them. As I read about the first lady on the London Paper website I completely forgot what I was reading, as I was consumed by a hatred for her fresh-faced appearance and her smug stripy top.

I quickly moved to the next article before the rage overtook me. It was about a business called The Woman’s Touch. Yes, that’s right, The. Woman’s. Touch. I could read no more, I was right all along - people with get-up-and-go are insipid and their presence should be avoided at all cost.

So what of the careers for the got-up-and-gone or the couldn’t-be-arsed-in-the-first-place? I’ve had a few ideas - Postman? (early starts) Dominatrix? (too scared) Sex Worker? (no way). Surely there must be some escape to the rat race? Send me your suggestions, please.