Celebrity Why Bother

I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I was relying on Celebrity Big Brother to get me through the social vacuum that is January. The speculation prior to the show promised us Lauren Harries, Julie Goodyear and even, be still my beating heart, MARILYN.

Instead we’ve got Sid Snot from Towers of London, H “guess what, I’m a gayer” from Steps and an irritating scouse who shags a footballer. Quite frankly, I feel cheated.

And it’s not just for the sake of my telly watching, I was hoping Lauren’s appearance would sell a few copies of Tranny Hag. I had added her name to my metatags and waited in anticipation of a flurry of interest. But now – nowt.

So for those of you too tight to have bought my magazine (ya bastids), here is my appraisal of Ms Harries.

Lauren Harries - bonkers mad.

While it will offend the delicate sensibilities of some, I think it’s pretty fair to say the story of Lauren Harries runs like a modern day freak show.

Never heard of her? Well, perhaps you’ll remember James Harries, the precocious little brat who appeared on Wogan talking about antiques in the ‘80s? He stunned the nation with his Dickensian appearance, and while he was branded a child genius by the media, most of just wanted to slap him.

James disappeared from our screens for a while, then re-emerged later after a sex change and announced her name was Lauren. From a serious and over confident boy, had grown a curious-looking woman who referred to herself as a dizzy blonde.

You can’t deny the pressures of fame must have caused problems. Children who are shoved into the spotlight at 11 are rarely able to cope. It seemed that by switching gender, Lauren had rid herself of the need to be in control and was allowing herself to be more open. The problem is, she’s just plain weird.

If you’ve seen Keith Allen’s documentary Little Lady Fauntleroy, you’ll have met the rest of Lauren’s family and will know that they’re equally mad. They all claim to be doctors of metaphysics and masters of one thing or another. But they have awarded their qualifications to themselves, or purchased degrees from the internet. The family share an unshakeable belief that they are better than the rest of the planet.

Allen uses ridicule as the narrative to much of his film, but he probes at your inner schoolyard bully, and in the end you just can’t help but laugh. When Lauren talks about being attacked in her garden, you know you should be outraged but you snigger. I heard a story about James being pushed out of the school bus and having to hang on by his fingers. I laughed ‘til there were tears down my face.

She doesn’t help herself with her actions, on TV Lauren will throw her shoes at her host to get attention, and to see the way she flirts with people is vile.

And so I award the following: marks out of ten for entertainment – 10, to further the cause for transsexuals – nil.