Stop the Voices

I’m quite often mistaken (?) for a mad person. For a start I talk to myself, which people find strange, though personally I don’t see the problem. I mean, what goes on behind the eyes of a “normal” person when they’re alone? Surely it can’t be like the test card – a still image and some soft music; or a black screen with a white dot and a high-pitched whir going eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thoughts and ideas and bits of conversation must be flashing through their minds the same as me, it’s just in my case the thoughts are reflected in my facial expression, but with them the face just stays still. WHATEVER.

I have now found a new way to be considered a mental. A few weeks ago I bought an iPod Nano, a sleek, beautiful little thing that plays video. My new favourite hobby is downloading clips from YouTube and converting them to iPod format. Then I can watch them as I suffer the agonising hell of commuting. I have a nice collection of Peaches Christ, Coco Peru and Queer Duck clips.

Now here’s the problem – I don’t want any sticky-fingered gutter rat nicking my iPod, so how to reduce its visibility? I have found that the best way is to cradle it between two hands and keep it down between your thighs when travelling. This means that if you pass by or glace across at me, you will see the funny looking woman with orange hair staring down into her lap and rocking back and forward with laughter. I know what you’re thinking –CUCKOO!

I’m considering developing these afflictions in the hope of being awarded peace and quiet. I remember an old friend of my dad’s who was a very respected bank manager at Barclays. He faced a 60 minute commute each day from Freshfield to Liverpool. He would get on at the first station in the morning, choose his seat, then pull a ridiculous hat from his briefcase. If he sat with it pulled down over his head, it would pretty much guarantee that no one would sit next to him as they didn’t want to be next to the nutter. Genius!

As David Hoyle pointed out recently, if you slowly develop your status as a mental, not only will you be given a wide berth but you can also get away with actual murder. Go and see your doctor now and tell him about the “voices”, pretty soon you won’t be held accountable for anything. The world’s your mad oyster.