I Kicked Kangaroo Butt

OK, hands up – how many of you have ever boxed with a kangaroo? What, none of you? Pah, lightweights! Last night I not only boxed with a kangaroo, I whooped its furry little butt and left it sobbing on the floor.

Well, let me clarify - it wasn’t actually a kangaroo, it was a tattooed man wearing kangaroo drag. And when I say “box”, the ‘roo had boxing gloves but I was given a club to swing away at it like Captain Caveman – it was fierce!

All of this took place at VauxhallVille, the RVT’s cabaret on a Thursday night. There was kind of an animal theme – the first act was the fabulous Bearlesque who did my favourite tracks, Like a Bear, sung by Bear Colin (pictured - or was it Nigel?) and Can’t Get Bears Out of my Head. The lovely Justin Bear then did a balloon dance to, erm … something or another, then Chief Bear, Freddy, did a tribute to Flashdance complete with a bucket of water thrown all over the stage and, unfortunately, all over us.

Next up was the very gorgeous Lucifire who sang a song and did a striptease, then showed us a swing of her nipple tassles. She also had roses that fired blood and she shot herself with those as a finale. Come to think of it, I seem to remember her putting on a furry bonnet with rabbit ears and hopping across the stage at some point too. She handed me a rose as a present but, annoyingly, I left it on the table at the end of the night.

Then it was ding-ding, seconds out, round one … I was first with my hand in the air when they were looking for volunteers to fight Boxing Booga – the kangaroo from the Firetusk Painproof Circus. Practically climbed on the stage before they even asked me.

Lucifire was the compare and she offered me the choice of making love using a flower or war with a club. Well, no blinking contest, it was WAR of course! Took a few cunning swipes at the ‘roo then it took me by surprise and floored me. Well really! It was no more Mrs Nice Dyke after that.

I flailed away madly and even knocked him off the stage. He jumped back up and the thrashing continued, after a mid-stage spat he tried to pin me in the corner in a headlock. No flap-footed marsupial gets the better of me, so I took him from behind – squeezed his nipples and knee-ed him up his furry tail. He fell forwards and landed spark out on the floor (not really), Lucifire counted him out and I was declared the victor.



For round two Bear Freddy returned to the stage but he decided to be sissy and make love. He even unzipped the back of his shorts for easy access while the ‘roo flipped his tail up in reciprocation.

Round three was a violent spat with a metal dude who managed to break Boxing Booga’s ears, this led to much kangaroo sulking as we were invited back on stage to decide an overall winner. The crowd pretty much cheered us all equally, but Booga said that I was the best fighter and so Lucifire announced me the winner – gave me a bottle of cheap champagne and a kiss (swoon!)

Want to see more pictures? Of course you do.