Beauty Queens

I skipped back from the gym in a state of excitement last night, all ready for the Mr Miss World show about a tranny beauty pageant on channel 4.

The contestants in the pageant are mostly transsexual, but the first ever UK entrant was Gavin – a straight transvestite from County Durham who occasionally transforms himself to Leah.

I quite liked him at the beginning. They showed him out shopping and he admitted he was too scared to go into women’s clothes stores without his girlfriend. I also enjoyed his candid confession that he was more turned on by himself dressed in drag than by his missus. But my favourite was when they showed him dressing and tucking his cock up with sellotape.

Just as I was thinking he was A-OK he went and spoiled it by getting stressed before the contest, snapping at people and snivelling. He had no temperament for the business of show.

Meanwhile we met Miss Egypt, a transsexual who questioned her gender at age six. She was applying her make up and talking about her family - fuming that she had been invited to her brother’s wedding on the provision she dressed as a man. Other than that there were no temper tantrums, she was happy fixing her fringe in the mirror.

So then it was show time and Gavin / Leah turned out a performance piece was decidedly poor. He sat there with a gob like thunder then had a hissy fit over a problem with his national dress. I couldn’t help but snigger when he went on stage to be further humiliated by the sound system, first silent then screeching with feedback.

He’d been favourite to win the national dress round so you should have seen the gob when he didn’t. He was titty lipped for the rest of the contest so it was no surprise he didn’t make the final. It was back to blighty in disgrace, and this time the tail between the legs didn’t need tucking.

Miss Egypt didn’t win either and I don’t really know what happened, but she suddenly turned nutter psycho. Gone was the confident tranny of yore, and in its place was a howling lunatic, crying that her mother didn’t love her and she couldn’t find a decent boyfriend. She’d maintained all along she was a woman, and now she proving she could act like one. Very disappointing.

Back on home turf, Gavin had gone off to his mum’s house to tell her of his deviant behaviour. I liked his dear old mum, not only was she not fazed but she turned out to be a bona fide tranny hag. “Ohh,” she cooed, looking at his photographs, “I’ve always wanted a daughter.” Bless.