Plants - they're a bit boring, really

It's Posh Paul's birthday next week so, being a big nancy, he decided he wanted to take a trip to Kew Gardens. Good chums that we are, Stephen, Gerald and I decided we would go along for the ride.

I had previously thought I was into all things plant-like but, to be honest, I got a bit bored. I guess it's all to do with the time of year, but I was expecting lots of nice colourful flowers and all we got was a landscape of green. Once you've seen one odd-shaped leaf and gone "oooh", you've pretty much seen them all.

Thankfully we managed to stock up on cans of ready-mixed gin and tonic from the Tesco Metro along the way, and they proved to be the highlight of the day.

After a whistle-stop tour of the Palm House (too hot and humid for my liking) and a quick look at the aquarium, we settled down for the first of many drink breaks under the gentle shade of a tree.

Feeling slightly giddy, we then headed off to see the flesh eating plants. We laughed at the stupid flys as they happily slipped through the window to meet their doom. I very much wanted to see a Venus Fly Trap snap shut on it's victim, but they were already overfed and complacent. Instead, I enjoyed the truly macabre vision of a plant that causes flys to stick to it, they then remain there in various states of decay until they disintegrate to dust.

It was time for more gin and then we trekked over to the menagerie to see the wallabies, stopping off first at Queen Charlotte House to see some 18th Century etchings and then passing some impressive Golden Pheasants.

I think the wallabies were quite pleased to see us, but I spooked one by creeping behind a fence I wasn't supposed to to take it's picture. It jumped up, wide-eyed, shouting "Security!" before bouncing away to its friends.

In the last plant house we finally encountered some flowers but it was too little too late to detain us, we had walked a full circuit of the park and, besides, we had run out of gin!

After a slap-up lunch at Pizza Express we headed back to city life and the familiar arms of the Retro. Enough back to nature for one day.