Woodwork Squeaks ...

So, did you watch a school girl with a frog’s head do a striptease last night? Or watch a woman eat a light bulb? Or see a man eat string and have his wife cut into his stomach to pull it out again? You didn’t? BORING! You should have come to see the Gawkagogo Freakshow at Bardens Boudoir with me and Toby then!

I first heard of Gawkagogo when they turned up at VauxhallVille to do Dali Parton – their Dolly tribute act that features a huge, pink Dolly puppet with big rolling eyes and pop-up tits that sways and sings along to Nine to Five.

Then they came to Le Phreeque with Norma Guntz and her celebrity tumour – an all singing, all lady-loving cancerous growth that bears an uncanny resemblance to the face of Tom Jones.

Last night they were joined by an impressive troupe of hybrids and retards. There was the Pig Face Girl with her six titties, an organ comprised of singing mutants in jars … Elephant Man Elvis who rasps and sucks his way through a medley of hits from the King … the House Fly – part insect part Northern comedian … and Dennis Hopperfield – part psycho nutter from Blue Velvet, part magician.

It was truly a sight to behold and unlike any other night EVER. They are masters of comedy and unbelievably talented designers. It was like watching a re-enactment of Tod Browning’s Freaks movie, but in 3D and with glorious Technicolor.

Adding to the evening were the Fire Tusk Pain Proof Circus who were intent on making my toes curl. First they did their Mental Floss act where Lucifire passed a silver chain down her throat and out her nostril, then Dave followed suit with a condom (that was initially pulled out of his arse). Then they did a thing with broken glass that involved Luci dancing, then jumping, then doing the splits over the broken shards of two wine bottles.

Later Dave ate some string while Luci tucked into a light bulb, with amplified sound for added crunch effects, before remembering the string and cutting straight into Dave’s flesh with a scalpel to remove it with tweazers and pull it, red with blood, through his flesh. ICK! And double ick!

In between there was Fancy Chance who was the previously mentioned frog school girl - with an impressive talent for tassle twirling in any direction you could point at - and Ophelia Bitz who made a whiskey cocktail with her lady bumps.

An incredible evening that even made a hellish journey on the 149 bus worth the agony. See the freaks on the Gawkagogo website.