Best Patti Gig, Like, Ever!

I have finally figured out the best way to combat Patti Smith Shit Audience Syndrome®, go and see her in Brighton!

In London her audiences are superficial, they "simply must go and see her", "she's a LEGEND, dahling". Then, of course, they get there to realise they only know one song and so spend the rest of the time twittering, going backwards and forwards to the bar and generally getting on my tits. Brighton, however, is full of aging arty types and eccentric hippies, most of whom know their Horses from their Radio Ethiopia, so you're guaranteed a relatively cunt free crowd. Hooray!

Last night's show at The Dome opened on such a high note I was worried she wouldn't be able to sustain the rush. Striding on stage she only gave herself enough time to blink before launching straight into Piss Factory. I felt the familiar goose-bumps rise as she reached the climax of the recital. It always takes me back to my own first job in a sewing factory. Bitter old women there telling me I'd never amount to anything and would end up just like them, and me seething with an adolescent rage I was too shy and self conscious to articulate. All the time the voices, like Patti, were screaming inside my head:

"I got nothing to hide here save desire
And I'm gonna go
I'm gonna get out of here
I'm gonna get on that train ...

"and I will never return
never return
no never return
to burn out in this Piss Factory"

As always I yelled myself hoarse, then she launched into Redondo Beach to quench the fire. This ran into Southern Cross and then an incredible version of 25th Floor. Patti was so busy summoning the spirits on her guitar during the intro that she almost missed her cue!

Her on stage banter between songs was the funniest and most surreal I've ever heard. After a brief conversation with guitarist Tom Verlaine at the back of the stage, she decided they had both just travelled forward to 2007 where scientists have just discovered a new planet. Coming back to real time, she had got lost and told us she was now our third grade school teacher and had taken us to the zoo. We were encouraged to wave at the giraffes.

Later, she worried about the affect a chocolate biscuit she had dropped on the beach would have on the seagulls. She was scared this would lead to dietary problems and addiction amongst seagulls, this would then lead to them migrating to Belgium.

Musically she was still to deliver incredible versions of Ain't It Strange, Free Money and We Three, with a jaw dropping encore of Horses segued straight into Gloria.

My platonic crush, her drummer Jay Dee Daugherty, was fantastic throughout. I have also warmed to her bass player, Tony Shanaghan, who looks a bit like QOTSA's Josh Homme. As it was the 28th anniversary of Elvis' death, he sang "One Night With You" for one of the encores, with Patti feigning screaming teenager noises and swooning.

I have discovered that we are related. Patti's grandfather, on her father's side, came from Liverpool. My grandparents are from Liverpool, and also called Smith. I mean, what are the chances? It has to be true!